I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
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