It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
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