On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
