Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
Randomize
