I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
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