Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize
