i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
