I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
he just fucked me for my cheese.
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
Randomize
