haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
She wanted to roleplay. Apparently you be snow and i'll be a plow wasn't an option
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
Randomize
