The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
Randomize
