I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
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