She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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