In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
Omg Kevin Jonas is engaged!!!!!!
Omg really? To who. Gay marriage is only legal in like 3 states.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
