Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
