was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
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