Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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