I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Randomize
