My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
They left me at home... I'm a liability
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
Randomize
