why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
I wanna go to beed woth a nboy
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
is 69 when you're sideways or up & down? I was on my back & confused.
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
