Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
the taste of these tagalongs is totally worth boning that creepy troop leader chick...
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
found a hand written recpiet for 'one doe fawn' on an open crate in my living room need help to find it
where the hell would u of bought a deer
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
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