I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
Randomize
