it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
sorry probably not gonna make it :( kinda tied up right now
sad face, r u gay?... wait like really tied up?
:)
My underwear smells like fireworks.
she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
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