My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
Randomize
