I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
so then she threw up in his asshole
yep..that'll do it.
Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
Randomize
