Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Randomize
