Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
Randomize
