can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
We've got 2 weeks of college left-I want to feel like Gary Busey by graduation.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
Randomize
