I just watched Juno. I kind of wish I was in highschool and pregnant
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Randomize
