Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
Randomize
