ya dads aren't the best wingmen
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
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