My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
