Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
Randomize
