it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
I'd do that. But we would need storm trooper helmets.
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
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