It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
Randomize
