I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
