I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
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