our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
Randomize
