I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
This boy just came into class wearing sperrys and a polo but also carrying a longboard. I'm unequivocably attracted to his level of doucheyness.
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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