We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Randomize
