Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
Night out in new white coat = success. Offered free breast exams all night, two took me up on it, woke up with one. I love medical school!!!
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
Randomize