I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
You are the jesus of drinking
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
