saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Randomize
