i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
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