OMg patrick swayze is the sexuest man he is killing me I'm gonna get dehydrated if I don't stop looking at him
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize