I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
I could hear it slapping against his thighs under the robe!!!!!!!!! You are a lucky girl!
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