DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
this ms. usa coverage has sucessfully humbled every girl here. depressed fish in a leaky barrel. go!
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
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