Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
Randomize
