Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
bruce springsteen sings some of the most romantic songs i've ever heard.
the hells wrong with u
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
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