Is that you in the white hat?
Fine suit yourself
Is it because I queefed?
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
Randomize
