i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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