my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
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