i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
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