I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
