During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
You're a disaster
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