I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Randomize
