please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
So did you grab that log full of poison ivy for the fire and then apparently take a piss on Saturday night too or was that just me?
will we ever learn or are we destined for a life of poison ivy covered balls?
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
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