apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
Randomize
